Wow, what a time to be alive—at this point, it’s pretty clear that COVID-19 (coronavirus) is going to be f*cking sh*t up for the live music industry for the foreseeable future. From high-profile events like Coachella, SXSW, and Ultra to large-scale tours by the likes of Pearl Jam, Santana, and more, the newly-designated coronavirus pandemic seems intent on causing concerts to drop faster than the Dow Jones Industrial Average.
These are not business decisions that are taken lightly, as with each cancelation comes serious financial implications. It certainly saddens the entire team here at Live For Live Music that a few of the large-scale music events that thousands of fans were planning on attending this spring will no longer take place. There’s a lot that goes into the planning and execution of these events, and a lot of people who stand to lose their shirts if the cancellations keep coming at such a rapid rate.
I could keep going about the serious implications surrounding COVID-19, but that’s not what this article is about. There’s enough talk filling the Internet about the seriousness of all this. If we can’t laugh, what do we have left? We’ve written a bunch of coronavirus cancellation articles this week, and it’s bumming us out. So, as long as people are canceling things anyways, here are a few things we hope we can sneak into that queue:
Student Debt – In the age of coronavirus, we’re still using charts and “Happy Birthday to You” to teach the masses how to wash their hands. Clearly, our college educations were grossly insufficient. We should probably just let those tabs go. Cool?
Another Comic Book Film Adaptation – Spiderman’s great and all, but how many times are we gonna reboot this thing? Oh, another Batman movie is coming out? Sweet. Didn’t see that one coming.
2020 Tax Payments – Where does all of our money even go nowadays, anyway?
Little Kids In Fancy Restaurants – Leave the youngins at home or choose a life of abstinence, but don’t ruin my $15 cocktail and Oysters Rockefeller on my one night out because you decided the world could use another mouth to feed but you couldn’t find a sitter.
Ticket Fees – If you’ve never considered yourself a victim of exorbitant “Ticketing Fees,” then you simply haven’t gone to enough shows to understand the exquisite pain of watching your bill double just before checkout.
Holiday Albums– We’re probably all set on recordings of “Silent Night”. Got that one covered.
The DMV– If we’re shutting down the gatherings we love the most—like concerts—we might as well nix the gathering we love the least. Pretty sure everyone can get behind this one.
The Electoral College– This one should also be a no brainer, but we’ll let you decide for yourself come November.
Poker On Television– Whoever decided it would be a good idea to put professional gambling on television should be forced to watch 100 hours of it while sitting next to that one person who always overuses the term, “Pocket Rockets, baby!”
Easter Weekend At The In-Law’s– As much fun as it is to get dressed up on a Sunday and force a smile while your father-in-law explains why you really didn’t hide those Easter eggs well enough and how kids have it too easy these days, we’re totally cool with this trip getting canned. I’m just looking out for their well-being, honey, I promise.
Award Shows – Where should we start? The consistent decline in national viewership every year, or the fact that most “voters” have zero cultural connection with today’s new creatives? Either way, there’s no need to continue showcasing millionaires giving each other trophies for playing pretend on television every winter. Plus, Tom Hanks caught coronavirus, so we should probably shut down Hollywood until he’s healthy, anyway.
Next Monday Morning’s Staff Meeting – Coronavirus will show us once and for all whether or not that meeting really could have just been an email. It’s 2020. Make it a conference call, do it over Slack, but don’t pack everyone into the conference room first thing on Monday mornings unless you’ve got an agenda planned out by Michael Scott.