In a new interview for NPR‘s Fresh Air, Billy Strings opens up for the first time since the death of his mom and addresses unsettling elements of fan culture surrounding her passing.
The 32-year-old guitarist announced the death of his mother, Debra Apostol, from the stage at the start of his June 20th show in Lexington, KY. In a heart-wrenching opening monologue, Billy Strings revealed he learned of his mother’s death that morning and that he decided to go on with the show that night “because that’s what my mom would’ve wanted me to do.” In the Fresh Air interview released on Monday, Strings revealed that his mother died of an accidental drug overdose after struggling with addiction throughout her son’s life.
“She had become quite involved with a lot of my friends and fans, you know, that go to every show and go out in the lot and stuff. And she became really close to a lot of these people. And I was – I always had mixed feelings about that,” Strings told host Sam Briger, who asked what the guitarist meant by that. “Well, I wanted her to go have fun and be doing, you know, whatever she wanted to be doing, but I worried about her running into the wrong people, or, you know, she’s been an addict my whole life and had short stints where she was doing pretty good, you know? And I loved to see her out there hanging with all the fans, but at the same time, I was leery of them. You know, I would go over to visit my parents’ house, and there would be, like, the fans there that I see in the front row of my concerts all the time.”
Asked whether these were his friends or just fans from the show, Strings replied, “Mostly, I just recognized them from the crowd, you know, and then I’d get to know them because they’re hanging out with my parents or something, but, you know – and who – and what am I supposed to say? Like, don’t do that? I don’t know. They’re grown people, but – I don’t know. She was getting older, and I kind of just had this vision of her in my head that I wanted – which is stupid. It’s not realistic to try to come up with somebody else’s life in your brain, but, like, I just wanted her to have a garden. And my dad’s 70 years old, she was 64 – I was like, man, you guys should, like, be settling down, you know, don’t you think? – instead of rearing and tearing and going and eating all these shrooms and going to all these concerts. And then she did get wrapped up in the wrong stuff. And that’s why she’s not here anymore.”
Strings has long been open about his childhood and teen years, which went far beyond simple turbulence. His biological father died of a heroin overdose when Strings was 2, after which his mother married Terry Barber. The parents struggled with substance abuse while Strings was growing up, resulting in him moving out when he was 13. In the years since his adolescence, Billy said his parents had become stable, and he’s since toured and recorded with his stepfather Barber—who Strings refers to simply as his dad—and even took him to the Grammys red carpet last year.
“And it’s, you know – it’s messed with me my whole life, and now it’s going to mess with me for the rest of it,” Strings continued, referring to his parents’ struggles with addiction. “You know, I have complex post traumatic stress, and I have anxiety and depression, and I have for years tried to deal with this stuff just – that happened to me when I was a kid. You know, it wasn’t just being neglected and there not being food in the house, and, you know, my parents being strung out and I miss them even though they’re sitting right in front of me. It’s like – and while they were partying and, you know, stuff like that, I was around the corner being molested, you know, before I was 10 years old and all that stuff.
“And I’ve had to deal with that, you know?” Strings added. “And it’s a really hard thing because they’re such beautiful people, and they taught me so much about music. But yeah, their addiction has been really hard on me for my whole life, and it still is and really triggering to lose her in this manner, you know?”
Strings then went on to reflect on the trauma of his childhood, how it effects the man he is today, and what he could hopefully do for others in the future.
I got to talk about it because it’s like, my whole life, I’ve had to keep a secret in order to try to not make them look bad, you know? Like, even when I was in high school. I spoke to a counselor one time. I mean, I was in 10th grade, but I was couchsurfing. I didn’t live with them, you know? I moved out when I was like 13 because the house was no longer a home. They were strung out. And it’s a wonder that I was even going to school.
And one time, I got pulled into a counselor instead of the principal’s office. And they said, what’s going on, you know? And I finally just – they told me anything I say is between them, and it won’t leave the room. And I said, yeah, my parents are on meth, and I don’t even live there. And my house got raided right after that, you know? That same day, five state cops came up, raided the house. I almost sent my mom to prison because I opened my mouth.
And from then on, I never said sh** to anybody about anything. I’ve just – it hurts me, but what hurts me is I’ve always just been worried about them, you know, and I’ve always wanted them to be good. And when I say be good, I mean, to be well and happy and have some sunshine in their life.
A few years ago, I was able to buy them a home – my parents. And stuff was good for a while, but, you know, it just – yeah, it really breaks my heart that it went back to this, and now she’s gone. And so I think my duty here is to continue doing what I’m doing, for one thing. Use all that beautiful energy that I get from her, that crazy wild streak, I got to use that and, you know, honor her in that way.
And I feel a great kind of duty as far as just writing down these words, making these songs for people to heal from. And also, you know, who knows? Maybe someday I’ll actually be able to help kids that are in the situation that I was in. Maybe I’ll be able to help their parents, you know, like, open a rehab or something – or something like that to just – to help combat this because it’s really hard, you know?
In addition to being forthright in interviews, Strings fills his songs with reflections on his past and those he’s lost along the way. While these songs are usually written through the perspective of the rearview mirror, the guitarist noted that oftentimes they can become eerily prophetic for a difficult life event that has yet to happen—including the loss of his mother.
“I’ve had songs that I’ve written about something totally different that I didn’t realize I wrote for myself until months later,” Strings reflected. “I write these words thinking that I’m giving some information to some people that might could hear it. Really, I’m the one that needs to hear it. And I wrote that for myself so that I could heal. And now I go sing it on stage. And there’s also been songs, ‘Stratosphere Blues’ and ‘I Believe In You’ – you know, the other night, I was singing that on stage, and like I said, I wrote that before my mom had died, and now singing it after is just different. It’s like I knew something or something, you know?”
Throughout his life, music has served Strings as an escape from the harsh conditions surrounding him. That could be playing Doc Watson with his dad as a young boy, the Michigan heavy metal bands he formed amid a deteriorating family and social environment, or an arena playing to tens of thousands of fans—”If I’m onstage, that’s where the joy is. That’s where the fun is.”
Conversely, Strings said he judges himself pretty harshly when he’s practicing offstage. In recent years, he has endorsed an online guitar program after freely admitting he felt he had plateaued as a player, something rather unusual for a guitar player of his stature.
“I’ve kind of always thought I sort of sucked, you know, ’cause I’m me. I’m going to be my own worst critic, always,” Strings admitted. “But I never took any lesson. I still don’t know what a harmonic minor is. I don’t know what the word, like, diatonic means. I don’t – you know, I have no freaking idea. I have a very limited understanding of these music words that people use. So then I get into these sessions – right? – ’cause I’m – Béla Fleck says, hey, come play on my record. And I’m sitting in a room with Béla Fleck and Edgar Meyer and Chris Thile, and they’re saying, this is in – they’re counting with all these numbers and letters and hieroglyphs and all sorts of stuff. And I’m just like, man, I don’t even know what any of this means. I just know the song goes, (vocalizing). That’s how the song goes to me. I couldn’t tell you it in a math equation.”
Currently, Strings is out on an intimate tour with fellow bluegrass guitar heavyweight Bryan Sutton, whom Strings called “one of the greatest guitar players ever.” Last year, the two played a small duo show at Nashville’s American Legion Post 82 and turned it into a new live album, a release Strings said was inspired by albums like Townes Van Zandt‘s Live At The Old Quarter. The songs he and Sutton played then and now draw heavily from the songbook of Doc Watson, an influence Strings cannot overstate.
“He’s like the ground upon which I stand, you know?” Strings said. “My dad played his music all around the house growing up. And by the time I could play guitar, you know, 5, 6 years old, I was learning those tunes, too. I might’ve been able to play some of them before I knew how to tie my shoes or something. It was like, I was learning how to speak and talk and walk, and I was learning all these Doc Watson tunes at the same time. And it was just, like, a religion in my house.”
Though Strings still suffers from anxiety and depression after years of trauma, he expressed gratitude for his network of support. This includes his bandmates as well as his wife and infant son, who are both out on the road with him. “I got the whole gang,” he quipped.
Ending on a positive note, Strings talked about his son River and what musical path lies ahead for him. Billy’s dad taught him bluegrass and how to play the guitar, so Briger asked if he had one picked out yet for the 10-month-old.
“Well, he’s already got one that he just bangs on the floor,” Strings said with a laugh. “I gave him this Martin Dreadnought Junior – used to be my guitar. I’d just practice on the bus and stuff. And I took tape, and I covered up all the pokey parts on the – where the strings are on top, and I wrapped them real good so he can’t poke himself on that.”
Though they can’t jam together yet, Strings said he sings for River all the time. In closing, Strings recalled the first time he sang for his newborn son.
“I remember that first night when we got home, the night of my 32nd birthday, the first time I was able to be at home with my son, and, I held him, and I sang this little song,” Strings said before singing a bit of Jimmie Rodgers‘ “Sleep Baby Sleep”. “He went to sleep in my arms when I was singing this to him. And it’s probably the best moment of my entire life, besides maybe just the moment he was born.”
Check out the full Billy Strings interview on Fresh Air below or read the transcript here, with the section about his mom starting around 21 minutes in. Billy is out on a sold-out trio tour with Bryan Sutton and Royal Masat before a stop at Farm Aid 40 and a trip to Europe. He will return to U.S. stages with his full band in late October. Find tickets and tour dates here.