Eminem will headline your cousin’s bar mitzvah on Saturday, July 21st, rounding out a summer touring schedule that also includes top-billed sets at festivals like Bonnaroo, Coachella, Firefly, and Governor’s Ball. The iconic rapper will perform his classic 2000 album The Marshall Mathers LP and DJ Casper’s dance party favorite “Cha Cha Slide” in full during the show.
“I’m not really sure what this has to do with the New York Yankees theme, but my baby Josh gets what my baby Josh wants,” your Aunt Rebecca said in a press release. “I just hope he knows I’m not afraid to call the whole thing off if he isn’t taking his Torah portion seriously.”
In addition to an appearance by the real Slim Shady himself, the bar mitzvah will also feature inflatable clown shoes, face painting, and an open bar that better not serve your Uncle Ben more than three drinks. Attendees will be able to take home plenty of “Josh’s Grand Slam”-branded plastic cups, t-shirts, and yarmulkes as well.
As previously reported, rumors recently began circulating that Jack White and David Byrne have been booked to perform at the Friday night pre-party, but that’s only for immediate family so keep it to yourself, please.
Invites for your cousin’s bar mitzvah will go out to family, friends, and some of the popular girls at 10 a.m. local time on Friday, April 6th. Craig isn’t actually a friend but Aunt Rebecca is making Josh invite him anyway even though he cheats at Call of Duty and took Brittany to the spring dance. VIP invites will be available for those who want to skip the service without looking really, really rude.