American businessman and convicted felon Martin Shkreli is reportedly selling every single Curveball RV pass at a 30,000% mark up after acquiring them on the secondary market. Fans who are interested in purchasing these coveted commodities will need to send a $6 million check to an as-yet-unamed Cayman Islands shell corporation in order to get their pass.
“Obviously this raises a variety of ethical questions,” said Columbia business law professor Harvey Wirdman. “However, it doesn’t look like this sentient piece of human excrement broke any laws in this instance. Unfortunately, that means Phish fans who aren’t willing to pay $6 million will have to rough it out in a tent like they used to before they got promoted to middle management and started taking themselves too seriously.”
“I stole life-saving drugs from HIV/AIDS patients, do you think I give a shit about a bunch of hippies?” Shkreli said from a federal prison cell, where he is currently serving a seven year sentence for securities fraud. “This is capitalism. This is America. Cash rules everything around me.”
The Phish camp has not yet released a statement on the situation, but it appears that at least one member of the band has learned about Shkreli’s predatory monopolization of Curveball RV passes. In a Facebook post on Saturday evening, drummer Jon Fishman declared, “None of this would have happened if the Democrats had nominated Bernie Sanders in 2016.”