At a time when artists like Phish and Pretenders attempt to prevent the same overzealous fans from monopolizing the front row of every show, Ticketmaster has announced new “Dudes In The Front Row” tickets for rail riders. These tickets guarantee a spot on the rail that separates the stage from the crowd and all the inflated self-worth that comes with it—at a premium price, of course. The ticket name is a nod to Phish guitarist Trey Anastasio, who immortalized his love for “Dudes In The Front Row” in Todd Phillips‘ 2000 documentary on the band, Bittersweet Motel.
Before “Dudes In The Front Row” tickets, fans would have to spend all day sitting outside the venue waiting for the doors to open, only to go inside, claim their spot, and wait another one-to-two hours for the show to start. Rather than wasting their whole day on a patch of sidewalk talking with similarly obsessed devoted attendees, now fans can use their day to step outside their monoculture and explore the city they’re visiting (or wait in the separate poster line).
“Dynamic pricing was already such a success, allowing us to charge an exorbitant markup for the most in-demand seats at concerts—to cut out scalping, because us raising the prices astronomically ourselves is totally different than scalping,” Ticketmaster spokesperson Sir Vis Fee said in a statement. “We originally thought the most prized seat would be where the sound was the best and the lights were the most impressive, but it turns out many fans value proximity to famous people more than the audiovisual quality of the show.”
The Ticketmaster “Dudes In The Front Row” experience comes with the guarantee that the band’s guitar player will awkwardly lock eyes with you at least once and the inclusion of either one (1) elbow or two (2) back of the head shots on the concert livestream, whichever comes first. Perks of the program include the spot on the rail, inflated sense of importance, and inability to go to the bathroom for the next four hours. “Dudes On The Front Row” tickets do not protect against “Dudes Who Show Up 30 Minutes Late And Six Beers Deep” ticketholders.
“The band feeds off the energy of the fans in the front row, I know that the 28-minute L.A. ‘Meet Me At The Creek’ wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t up there with all my fellow goats,” devoted Billy Strings rail rider Ernest T. Grass said outside the St. Augustine Amphitheatre where he’s been camped out since Monday for this weekend’s concerts. “But getting a spot on the rail required camping out ten, 12, 15 hours before the show on the sidewalk—or at least leaving my camping chair there all day. Now thanks to Ticketmaster, I don’t need to cosplay being homeless just for the chance to claim my five-foot by five-foot dancing zone squarely in front of Jarrod Walker. Because what’s the point of being at the concert unless everyone sees you at the concert, right? Hey, do you want a BMFS clothespin?”
This development comes after Pretenders’ Chrissie Hynde made headlines over the summer for admonishing the same people sitting in the front row of multiple concerts. Writing about the band’s European tour, she said, “When we go on tour, the whole point of it for the band is that we are playing to a different audience every night. That’s why we go on tour!” Hynde went so far as to say that those seen in the front row multiple nights may be asked to move in order to give someone else the seat.
A few months earlier, Phish bassist Mike Gordon shared some thoughts on the rail-riding ethos in a GQ profile. Given that no two Phish shows are exactly alike, some in the crowd—like Ernest T. Grass—have come to believe that they directly impact the show’s quality.
“My career is based on epiphanies and peak experiences that have validated the path that I am on,” Gordon said. “It makes sense to me that, if I felt these things that are intangible and can’t be put into words, other people might also. I’ve talked to a bunch of people, often in the front row, and there’s a very strong opinion among some of them that they are creating this concert with their energy.”
When asked whether he, as a member of the band, believes that’s possible, he said, “I believe it. But I also believe that, if they were truly inspired by the experience, rather than coming every night for 200 shows, they would probably create their own thing and contribute it to society.”
Ticketmaster “Dudes In The Front Row” tickets for Phish 2025 summer tour will be available to “Dudes Whose Parents Still Help Them With Rent” before going on sale to the general public. Ticket quantities are limited, with Sir Vis Fee commenting, “We know we’re just gonna sell these tickets to the same 12 dudes every night.”
April fools!